You may have received conflicting advice on how to act when you encounter a bear. Finally, the U.S. Forestry Department has put together a definitive guide, based on the latest research. Once and for all, this is what you’re supposed to do when you see a bear.
If You See a Black Bear
Black bears are black. They have black fur, which looks black, when you see it. If you encounter a black bear, do not make eye contact. If you make eye contact, black bears will take this as an act of aggression. They will put two and two together and go nuts on you and ruin your life. But also don’t look away. Just look to the side, or act as if you spotted something over the black bear’s shoulder. Like, “Oh, that leaf? That’s good stuff.” Then stick your arms out to make yourself look bigger and back away slowly. But not too slowly. If you back away too slowly, black bears will think you are simply delicious. The last thing you want is for a black bear to think that. If you happen to have a neon traffic cone, go ahead and put it between you and the bear. Not because black bears understand traffic signals, but because it’s a well known fact that they hate neon shit. If none of this works, and the bear still appears to be gearing up to have some “me” time with your very life, you can try the secret weapon, which is to start playing a pan flute. Many bears, when they encounter the mystical sounds of the pan flute will get completely carried away, and forget about you—it reminds them of their childhood. However, it should be noted that many bears absolutely hate the pan flute, and if you play it in their vicinity, they will make it their life’s mission to push you down a rocky slope, and then run after you—so not only are you rolling down a terrible slope, but a bear is chasing you.
If You See a Brown Bear
Brown bears are brown, with fur that can be qualified as “standard brown.” Brown bears tend to be peaceful and to keep to themselves, going along with their daily business, until someone comes up to them and starts playing the devil’s advocate. The last thing you want to do around a brown bear is jauntily take a contrarian stance in order to challenge its preconceived notions. If you do this, the bear will feel as if he is being razzed within an inch of his life, and might decide to take you, and everyone you’re with, “to town” in the sense of killing you. Also, there is a common misconception that brown bears appreciate the art of a good psych-out. We cannot stress enough how untrue this is. Do not attempt to psych-out a brown bear by showing him a photo of what looks like a computer chip but turns out to be an aerial view of a city. This will cause him to turn into his most conflicted self.
If You See a Grizzly Bear
If you see a grizzly bear, the most important thing to remember is to not ride its nuts about anything. Like whether it’s foraged enough today. Or stuck its head out and growled in a terrifying manner. Or had a salmon jump into its mouth from a stream in a picturesque way. If it senses you’re riding its nuts about any of this stuff, it might just get up in arms and have a snack-attack with your body. We can’t stress this enough: if you see a Grizzly Bear, just give it the sense that it’s doing a great job, that it’s generally done “enough,” and that every decision it’s ever made has been the right one.
If You See a Panda Bear
A lot of the confusion about panda bears comes from the fact that people think they’re so cute. They do look cute, but that’s only because you don’t know what they’re really thinking. What they’re really thinking is that they’d like to make a haystack out of your hopes and dreams, then put a match to it, so it turns into quite a conflagration; then take any college degrees you’ve ever received and chuck them out of a speeding van; then wait for you to visit New York City, where they can scare a flock of dirty pigeons around you and pull your pants down. Don’t give them the option! If you see a panda bear, take Dionne Warwick’s advice and just “Walk on By.”
We hope this definitive guide has cleared up any misconceptions, and will save lives this season. If nothing else, remember this one rule of thumb: when you’re being mauled by a bear, whatever you did, you shouldn’t have done that.
